on race, raciness and cum

NSFW – on race, raciness and cum

on masturbation, infantilism and the courage to cum (lol)

on cum, c(um)oming out and closeting oneself

When I cum, I come into my own dissolution of power. When I cum I scream, out loud, to the chorus of wondering lights, a chorus mute as oceans – violent as seas. When I cum I see an immaterial material — shot through, half-stricken, by the foment from which its foam forms – I see – I see . When I cum. Cum comes, like exertion pulling a cartless burden, sum unto nothing, flat likened

Nguyen imagines their cum as a key from, not out of, the closet – a liquid manifestation of polysyllabic symphonies, connotating nothing, but the violence at the schism between truth and, as they state it, exertion.


Why it rains in water

Why it rains _reasons to shower

I know I’m so crazy for this, i know it’s 3 am and I’m so close to sleep, that I need to have done this hours ago before I lost real important ideas … but I told myself I had to so I’ll do it. At least for something to look on later.

| a line moves in place

I’m seeing brief repetitions of undulating curves like )))) these guys.

I keep keeping – y’know, like those people who transcribe, stenographers?, coming from intended vocality- and already always messing up Bc vocality isn’t something you say out loud. Writing

I really can’t. The frame ..iit’s so full not enough but ok. I need a way to type without wanting to throw up. I neeed one letter to not be a [backspace]


Y know that one Mitski lyrics? One day I’ll wake up and….so i say, one day I’ll wake up and nothing will have been saiid to have been written down. This is interesting: so Ben Lerner says when you recall something the thing is destroyed. Concomitantly there’s another pretentious probably writer quote that says remembering is infinitely more a psychotic process than forgetting – cue alternative theories of sanity and the enlightened manic – so. What happens when the remembered process of writing is discarded? Do things infinitely exist – counter to the fuckin’ aspirations for immortality so many dumb and human writers want – in time because they’re not recalled/written about? And then, for the process of writing…it’s so juicy what this (almost) demands/breaks new ground. NOt new grounds but like a whole hole through an invisible wall – writing unrelated to recollection – I’m going backwards! It’s lovely to write and end up in the same place you started. It’s like hopping in a car (oof…bad simile) but it’s like hopping in a car and just…simulating travel.

I’m still thinking about the vocality thing. What I meant to say up there was me “saying” all these things that I’m writing, not saying, out loud, but just in my head. And then I started thinking about the symbols and the slippery slippery wall b/w drawing and writing and just….the full psychic weight of …like for example the letter “W”…and like …how much of writing is just distilling. From what…is ineffable. It grips me with so much terror and unproductive worry to consider words, letters, lines in …….. the way i have for periods of writer’s block. Writer’s block isn’t the drought of ideas, it’s the paralyzing recognition of their sublimity … for me. SO hitting keys???? Looking at the way whatever these things are doing to the things next to them. It’s like playing with dirt in god/the universe/idealism’s ..office.

Then there’s the consideration of other people reading your shit. It goes up and around and then wraps under .- the direction of intent is hidden underneath your standoffish consideration of sublimity. It consults form and then …

This is out of place. Chronology? one after another after another letter letter letter. Muscle recognition and backspace and revision and trying to understand what flows underneath and not disrupt as Much as possible while fundamentally really fucking things up

What will any of this mean in the morning. I came here to sit down and figure out shit. This isn’t ..it.

Why it rains in water

Here i am putting myself at the very beginning of written communication. I am going backwards as fast and hard as I can. I’ll be here. Like.


words seem so close to me, so real to me online, in text. I’m beaming myself onto screens with pixels that brim with an eloquence that becomes foreign even as I realize them on the digital page (re: Tumblr drafts). This broken displacement of the self, half amorphous fantasy, half haphazard order, plays out in two steps, constantly in conversation with itself – echoing its static code to a decoder played as the code itself. It’s within this recording of codes deciphering themselves that eloquence arises, born of the process but separate.

10 Day Journaling Challenge: Day 10

Inspired by an accidental subscription to a Skillshare class taught by Emily Gould. Read her old blog here.

I’m thankful for this challenge. I’m thankful for limited prepositional use and Anne from parks and recreation. I’m thankful for newfound buddies, and I’m thankful for old moons. I’m thankful for forced hypocrisy and lewd truths. I’m thankful for reduction. I’m thankful for the long way to Mars. I’m thankful for long-living prawns, so they tell the earth. I’m thankful for folk with an “i” and violence with an “o.” I’m thankful for flying sticks and dripping boldness like lakes silvered till complete. I’m thankful for wounded bell noises and I’m thankful for the valleys in between consumption and the snow of the …. Adirondacks. 

Today I noticed the screwed concavity of a steel insert on a white microwave’s side. Today I noticed how the plates must be set together like something new and something old. Today I noticed the last day on belly up. Today I noticed the middle coming first, and the first coming now, in the temporally relative middle. Now. Today I noticed the end is something like noticing itself. Today I noticed the fault in our resumes Today I noticed wrung out necks today I noticed their glistening in the projected panes of superpsychedelia and childhood theater. Today I noticed lesbians. Today I noticed new mainstream desire principles hinged on the back of monsters known today, in the middle, as mothers.  

Each day I’ll upload a post from the challenge involving the prompt “I’m thankful” or “I’m grateful” and “Today I noticed.” If you take up the challenge yourself, please share them with me! I would love to read and write together.

End: Today ends the consecutive day challenge. The rest of the course asks us to read the entries again, or maybe for the first time, and find a passage – could be just a phrase, or a sentence, couple sentences, a paragraph or a whole entry – to appreciate. Feel good that you wrote that.

I’ve been doing this throughout the challenge. 10 Days is a long time, and I found myself going back through the entries as I wrote and read them. I almost wrote “read and wrote them” which could be all the same. Sometimes, if not all the time and surely in varying degrees, the reading is an almost generative process. The reading leads to writing that leads to more reading and then you have a sort of – loop.

The very last step of the 10 day journaling challenge is to take one entry and revise it, turning it into a whole piece. This could mean adding more, taking away, both or changing some element of the words.

My favorite part of the lesson by Gould was her suggestion on how you could change the entry by simply switching out pronouns. As she states, “congrats, now you’re working on fiction.” I love this approach to nonfiction/fiction. It reminds me of some of my favorite writers who draw on their lives in fiction that’s not autobiographical and autobiographical at the same time.

The next month I’ll be uploading once, twice or maybe even three times a day, so the blog will stay active. The challenge is done, but I’m working on three more Skillshare projects, I still have more than 8 months of subscription left. These are bigger ones that aren’t as easy to share daily however, and I’ll upload them when they’re done along with the revised entry from this challenge.

Thanks for following along and liking, and please, start your own and share it with me! Follow me on all my Instas lol: personal, music blog, art.


Have you ever taken the time to look at your keys when you’re typing?
Just look at them, look look look, it’s scary. Syntax to semantics shit. Right? These things are easy. Touche. 
Woolly mammoth python breaks circles FUCK 

Today in rewind. “right what’s do gotta you, city your in”

Listening to John Maus talk about contemporary music and the mainstream conversation around it. Roommate watching The Big Short. Going out going in deeper. Sucking out water from the sink to kill toothpaste when it was a foam when it was a paste. Wringing out my air to collect discomfort. Ah that’s the stuff. Grah.

Man, so that places me back to Slaughterhouse-Five days. Scroll up to pg. 155, flip back to chapter 7. Valencia dies at this moment, she drives to the hospital next. I don’t swallow those goddamn pills yet and I don’t listen to music that bounces off the back of my head like we’re playing wall ball.

Roommate leaves arrives, takes some water out places some in. I CALL A MAN.

10 Day Journaling Challenge: Day 9

Inspired by an accidental subscription to a Skillshare class taught by Emily Gould. Read her old blog here.

I’m thankful for the end of Stranger Things. I’m thankful for the emotions it brought up. I’m thankful to Mike and Eleven. I’m thankful to this and that, here now and then gone when. I’m thankful to chicken breasts again. I’m thankful, but just a little less than before, to the dollar and something Prego “roasted parmesan alfredo” sauce that honestly came out way too liquidy. I’m thankful to the process of cellular degeneration, and I’m honestly a bit grossed out by it. I’m thankful to smooth skin, smooth desk chairs and smooth keys. I’m thankful for opportunities I’ve yet to apply to. I’m thankful to the opportunities that I have applied to and maybe didn’t get but were fun to go for at the time. I’m thankful for my heavy hands and busy mind, the way I can get preoccupied. I’m thankful preoccupation hasn’t been occupied..yet. By a job. Or something to do with money, the darnedest thing. 

Today I noticed the wifi is still out, same as yesterday and perhaps earlier this week. Today I noticed it’s Friday! and I haven’t had a very productive M-F. Today I noticed sighing really deeply after that last sentence, I also noticed sounds outside the door. Today I noticed I’m broke, which I tend to notice a lot. Today I noticed a lot, but I don’t have much need to write it all down.

Each day I’ll upload a post from the challenge involving the prompt “I’m thankful” or “I’m grateful” and “Today I noticed.” If you take up the challenge yourself, please share them with me! I would love to read and write together.

10 Day Journaling Challenge: Day 8

Inspired by an accidental subscription to a Skillshare class taught by Emily Gould. Read her old blog here.

I’m thankful for the reliable effects of chicken breast pan-fried in garlic and olive oil. I’m thankful for mushroom alfredo sauce bought for $2.12. I’m thankful for the mixing of butter, the sheen of boxed noodles from salted water, I’m thankful from the second floor corner office of The Hofstra Chronicle. I’m thankful to still nights and distant fireworks, to broad time, between stars and still air and places to rest. 

Today I noticed the square bases of new solo cups. “Up for anything” – squared based, less spills, more grip, less slip – the bullet points in the shape of a square and hand emoji. Today I noticed bonkers wildings, today I noticed a pile of written words. Today I noticed paralysis. Today I noticed things ignored. Today I noticed eating words eating words. Today I noticed a pierced veil. Today I noticed 3-D printing. Today I noticed staffs, the people and the fancy stick kind. Today I noticed gross relief. Today I noticed putting yourself first. Today I noticed the Christmas lights in my room. Today I noticed the curve of my eye. Today I noticed a couple things wrong with my teeth. Today I noticed a strange sticking sensation in between the molars. Today I noticed I thought maybe it was the chicken. Today I noticed chicken has hormones in it! Today I noticed perhaps I’m paranoid, but maybe it really does have effects on your body’s chemical composition. Today I noticed my housemate’s bottom right abdomen area. Today I noticed the area around my neck, beneath my chin – it’s been dry and flaky and like a leather chicken’s chin lately, I think I must have overwashed it. Today I noticed a pee-like smell from some of the clothes I left out too long, it must be a different sort of mildew – I put it back for another wash and two dries earlier today. Today I noticed the wifi was still out. Today I noticed I should probably just go to the office and apply to some things there. Today I noticed Parks and Rec is brilliant. Today I noticed Katie from CollegeHumor is brilliant. Today I noticed parts of my tongue and the taste of cold spit. Today I noticed features of my body. Today I noticed pains and aches that start in my brain and extend to the back of my head. Today I noticed sensations that blip in an out like missed signals. Today I noticed stretching is easy and easily the hardest thing you have to do to keep yourself okay and not dying from weird limb things. Today I noticed how many people had been in my car before.

Each day I’ll upload a post from the challenge involving the prompt “I’m thankful” or “I’m grateful” and “Today I noticed.” If you take up the challenge yourself, please share them with me! I would love to read and write together.

Where do we go from here?

Yesterday I went to my first social anxiety group. It took place in a small room with four walls and a tiny window at the end. Around the table sat three girls, one in sniffles and the other two in silence. On top of the table were some pieces of paper and markers, many out of ink and mismatched with their caps.  I sat to the right of the counselor. His blood-shot eyes were a little concerning.