4:22 p.m. 12/17/12


4:22 p.m., 12/17/12

So, recently I’ve finally uncovered the secret behind my unholy need to go against things that I should probably just stick with. To be straight-forward, it actually wasn’t a secret, I was just a bit bewildered by myself, I didn’t like it. There is a scale, or a balance in myself. A psychological one that is of course abstract, but if put into a more physical representation, I think it would be easier to explain. One side of the balance is tipped and weighted down by the various outside intrusions and influences on my inner self, which acts as a catalyst for my brain or whatever that controls me to develop a I guess solution to this problem. The outside influence isn’t always a problem, but my mind still reacts to it. After finding the correct antidote, it proceeds to inject the vaccine into myself, changing, replacing, destroying whatever needs to be. The final result is I’m healed, my body finds balance. Homeostasis I guess. But as most people know, my core self embodies selfishness, so it doesn’t care what the balance and satisfaction of itself does to the outside world and appearance of me, Daniel. So even though I feel fine inside, the reactant towards the influence is off, not something normal, very odd. Complicate, complicate, complicate. <—Something like that is the default cross-effect product if something goes wary on the trip to the outside world. So now the scale is balanced with my weird weight on one side and the outside influence on the other. After this is done, or maybe simultaneously, the mind switches to the other end of the spectrum of whatever a normal me, a normal person would adapt to. This could be critically fatal if truly expressed to an outside society, but with my limiters, I can dilute my thoughts down so its more acceptable for things to flow and enter the polluted atmosphere. An example would prove prudent I think, since my text is too abstract and grammatically wrong for myself to read later if I were to. Say I am, or you are, at church! -shudder-a truly suffocating place. Imagine the atmosphere and vibe of that place….conservative, “holy”, restricted..where would a normal person’s mind go? Well of course I don’t think a normal person would just simply go to all the negative aspects of the place instantly, so it kinda ends there with the person adapting and simply being nice, “christian-y”, stuff. (To stop this before it becomes too prejudice, I’d like to say that I don’t agree with grouping such huge denominations into one general idea. What exactly does “normal people” apply to? I don’t know, but it is just for the sake of this extended example, so I apologize for my close-mindedness.) For me, in the presence of all this my mind wanders to things that would make the people around me cringe, I think of gore, blood, deep cuts into thin arms that yield fountains of a vampires satisfaction. I think of incisions into a person’s back, exposing bone and flesh that pulse with blood vessels, screaming to explode, and I smile while doing these things, a sickening smile, but I’m having fun reveling in the nasty things of this world while everyone celebrates an amazing god….Example done!! Haha that was extremely long, but I hope this serves as a good explanation for whatever I need this for.

4:45 p.m., 12/17/12


11:47 p.m., 12/13/12

thoughts recently

11:47 p.m., 12/13/12

I guess this’ll be my digital diary from now on. Typing is much faster, although it has an artificial rust to it, I think it will be practical. So..i just wanted to talk about you know, small things. Being alone, and silent, I think that’s what suits me best. In terms of what that means to everyone else, I don’t know. But to myself, I like it. Its really tranquil in my own world, although not all the time. I feel best when I’m alone, or maybe with a friend or two. I’m also human so loneliness does affect me. Its just that I don’t have a particular want to talk to people in general. They’re all adapters, and I’m one too. It takes longer for me to shift though, which is fine, I like it. It makes me different knowing that I can view things in a certain perspective. Talking also has many planes. I talk and they respond, a thousand things comes with this as well. Emotions reacting from tone, expression, mood, influence, environmental, well-being, and culminating into a sentence or two, either messily wrapped or carefully packaged. The receiver has many things to do, they can take it gratefully, give one back, tear it open, or throw it away. All these things and more travel through my mind when I’m communicating with someone and I can hardly keep up with it, its..its annoying. Now, these things can be called laws, and therefore they are rules, shackles that limit my mind. I usually ignore it, sometimes enjoy it, but as of now (and of course other times) I abhor it. I feel like its so restrictive, and so limited, this verbal communication. Troublesome, worrisome, stressful, tiring, the list goes on. I’m just sick of talking. But of course when i say “talking”, a lot of the hatred is aimed towards other people. I myself don’t talk much. I think i spoke less than 50 words today. But other people who burn hundreds and hundreds of sentences, spewing worthless things that reek with prejudice, are my worst annoyance. I’m not a dramatic person, I am liberal, and maybe a bit too care-free. So I guess its normal for serious, conservative, loud people to annoy me. Life is life and ice is cold, you shouldn’t talk about negatives things cause you’ll bring bad things to your life. Also, maybe I shouldn’t sleep so late. Time is weighing my entire life down, and I’m almost certain I’m going to collapse tomorrow. It’s fine though because life is a river and everything is fine. I hope this hasn’t been a waste, but for now. Bye.

12:10 a.m., 12/14/12