4:22 p.m., 12/17/12
So, recently I’ve finally uncovered the secret behind my unholy need to go against things that I should probably just stick with. To be straight-forward, it actually wasn’t a secret, I was just a bit bewildered by myself, I didn’t like it. There is a scale, or a balance in myself. A psychological one that is of course abstract, but if put into a more physical representation, I think it would be easier to explain. One side of the balance is tipped and weighted down by the various outside intrusions and influences on my inner self, which acts as a catalyst for my brain or whatever that controls me to develop a I guess solution to this problem. The outside influence isn’t always a problem, but my mind still reacts to it. After finding the correct antidote, it proceeds to inject the vaccine into myself, changing, replacing, destroying whatever needs to be. The final result is I’m healed, my body finds balance. Homeostasis I guess. But as most people know, my core self embodies selfishness, so it doesn’t care what the balance and satisfaction of itself does to the outside world and appearance of me, Daniel. So even though I feel fine inside, the reactant towards the influence is off, not something normal, very odd. Complicate, complicate, complicate. <—Something like that is the default cross-effect product if something goes wary on the trip to the outside world. So now the scale is balanced with my weird weight on one side and the outside influence on the other. After this is done, or maybe simultaneously, the mind switches to the other end of the spectrum of whatever a normal me, a normal person would adapt to. This could be critically fatal if truly expressed to an outside society, but with my limiters, I can dilute my thoughts down so its more acceptable for things to flow and enter the polluted atmosphere. An example would prove prudent I think, since my text is too abstract and grammatically wrong for myself to read later if I were to. Say I am, or you are, at church! -shudder-a truly suffocating place. Imagine the atmosphere and vibe of that place….conservative, “holy”, restricted..where would a normal person’s mind go? Well of course I don’t think a normal person would just simply go to all the negative aspects of the place instantly, so it kinda ends there with the person adapting and simply being nice, “christian-y”, stuff. (To stop this before it becomes too prejudice, I’d like to say that I don’t agree with grouping such huge denominations into one general idea. What exactly does “normal people” apply to? I don’t know, but it is just for the sake of this extended example, so I apologize for my close-mindedness.) For me, in the presence of all this my mind wanders to things that would make the people around me cringe, I think of gore, blood, deep cuts into thin arms that yield fountains of a vampires satisfaction. I think of incisions into a person’s back, exposing bone and flesh that pulse with blood vessels, screaming to explode, and I smile while doing these things, a sickening smile, but I’m having fun reveling in the nasty things of this world while everyone celebrates an amazing god….Example done!! Haha that was extremely long, but I hope this serves as a good explanation for whatever I need this for.
4:45 p.m., 12/17/12