some sonic remembrances

tabs in my browser/songs to cry to from a couple years back/a crying timeline i guess?

absolutely started bawling
continued bawling, but was cut short lol (it’s a short cover)
carried on crying with this banger

yes we stay crying i guess ^

a little more lighter, transitioning to uh…back to reading time. Reading: The Lonely City by Olivia Laing, page 64 ish “a personality that both longs for and fears being subsumed into another ego”

noice

cry party officially over. here’s some rock:

can’t get over that that’s how he looks and sounds. i non-stopped listened to one of his early albums in high school. love how fast he puts out music. god i need headphones!

https://rubberbandgun.bandcamp.com/album/horror-sounds-in-stereo

hell yes this was the album ^^^ so long and so good. i injected those vibes straight into my bloodstream 24/7 during 11th grade. always too loud for my lossy earphones.

really fell in love with Lianna La Havas from live performance videos like this one. so jazzed i got to see her live at Afropunk in 2019. that day at Afropunk was her bday! there’s a recording of her set a couple years back that also took place on her bday.

music from my phone that I was listening to earlier, before the cry fest:

i re-downloaded the youtube music app which i used a lot freshman year of college. Listened to lots of SALES on there. and Spoon probably. just that one song Inside Out though. Also was listening earlier to Slowdive’s Blue Skied an’ Clear from Pygmalion which is so relaxing. i did the full on earphone while laying on my carpeted bedroom floor for the full effect in high school too.

Before that I was listening to Jessica Lea Mayfield and Seth Avett’s KEXP covers of Elliot Smith songs. Those are amazing. Their vocal tones just blend so beautifully, and it’s a great way to listen to the lyrics with smooth harmonies that really bring you into the layered richness of the songs easily and pleasurably. Still prefer these to the originals – probably b/c I heard Smith’s vocals after these covers. Smith’s voice is so distinctive, scratchy, sparse, vulnerable… so different from Mayfield and Avett’s folk country intonations. makes me appreciate both more by contrast.

I was actually going to listen to Valley Queen’s Tiny Desk afterwards I think – but didn’t get to it! totally worth checking out that Tiny Desk. I had that downloaded on the youtube music app in freshman year too. listened to it to calm me down as I long-boarded across the dorm commons to class

okay before that I was listening from Spotify on my phone in the shower: Just Like My by Homeshake, Negro Swan by Blood Orange, Hunnybee by Unknown Mortal Orchestra… all on the Just Like My radio. I overplayed Hunnybee so much on road trips a couple summers ago when I had my car on Long Island.

After the shower, I got to dance to lots of Little Dragon, they’re my all-time favs. Then I hopped into bed to read Laing’s book and listen to Kelsey Lu’s version of I’m Not In Love from her album Blood. I listened to that entire album next, and then I jumped over to This Time Around by Jessica Pratt – that song is amazing. so simple, so lush. Finally, still on Spotify, I jumped into Different This Time by Cornelia Murr for a second, but it was surprisingly not the vibe. Maybe it was too much going on after listening to This Time Around, but I remember kind of finding and loving these songs on Spotify around the same time…I remember sharing Murr’s song with a shot of the blue skies outside a parking garage when I was either just starting to work or..something. It’s a good song, it has a lot to keep itself in your head and rolling like a sonic vestige leftover from a deep dream.

Oh wait, finally finally, I was listening to How Deep Is Your Love by The Bee Gees.. for sure soothing. Hahah

I also had tabs open for Pinegrove, and listened to a whole EP of a band the lead singer recommended in a Reddit AMA, but I don’t feel like including those links/descriptions here. They’re in a column by themselves.

Other songs running around my mind: Aurora’s cover of Half the World Away at the 2015 Nobel Peace Prize Concert and versions of Pie Jesus which first came back into my head from a video of the Norwegian comedic duo Ylvis’ performance of the song that I had saved to my favorites playlist on YouTube. I’m obsessed!

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retention

I’m still reading random sections of Before Night Falls by Reinaldo Arenas. They have a heading like

Eroticism

and entries that vary from a paragraph to a couple pages. He tells stories of visits and encounters, the characters in his life, and the men he’s slept with. He recounts arduous travels as “odysseys” and makes moments of life into passages of literature.

So far I’ve heard of his enormous capacity to swim long distances, his many sexual encounters across several stages and places throughout his life, and the persecution he faced as a writer and homosexual.

written thrift haul!

Absolutely stunned at the amount of clothes I got yesterday. A mix of work wear, falls moods, and an abundance of jackets and coats. First off, I have hanging in front of me a gray coverall from Dickies! It is slightly small but would look with black boots. The curves ? at the arm remind me of Kiko designs.

I also got

  • a gray oversized blazer with shoulder pads and a slightly brown and white threading throughout that makes the gray have a bit more dimension. The sleeves reach my hands.
  • a white button up with a cuff that’s extra long, similar to a style I saw on H&M for $50. It’s pristine, but very wrinkly and I’m afraid to stain it. It looks great under the two workwear coats I got.
  • a thick canvas workwear jacket – it feels very heavy and tightly woven and is beige.
  • an oversized denim workwear jacket – a similar shape and form to the canvas jacket but heavier and is dark blue that’s satisfyingly rich.
  • a Tommy Hilfiger leather jacket with lapels and two front pockets. the inside has a green plaid insert where the label is and the jacket’s weight is incredible. It is wrinkled, but getting better I think.
  • a silk black jumpsuit from the label SHEIN, which I’ve seen on Youtube as a casual clothing brand. It has skinny fit legs that I plan to cut into single slits.
  • a puffer vest with an alternating chevron pattern that’s small and interesting to look at. I’m the last person who would wear a puffer vest but it was such an interesting pattern in black and white that it almost feels like it could go with anything.
  • a woven lace sweater – hand woven apparently – made with thick yarn in olive, nude, and white. It’s a to-die-for layering piece and has the resemblance of flowers protruding across it in bunches of yarn.
  • a velvet forest green blazer that’s slightly 70s and is a whole vibe.
  • an enormous leather trench jacket that’s near my ankles – the silhouette is dramatic. It’s puffy with layers and a slit in the middle of the back that closes when you’re still but opens when you walk. Its layers don’t make it stuffy, and it has got a good amount of movement while keeping its form.
  • another massive coat – this one a black trench with utility belts at the cuffs and around the coat. It seems to have an impossible number of pockets.
  • a lighter coat with lots of zippers! Actually my first and favorite find in this haul. Also near floor length.
  • another leather jacket! Last one. It is not floor length. It’s long and thin. The form hugs the body and serves sleek Matrix vibes. The back of the collar is slightly scrunched.
  • another huge black coat! A very puffy puffer jacket that’s super shiny and has a hood and bomber jacket elastics at the collar and cuffs.

and I believe that is all.

vibes

places to go hypothetically (aka reasons to wear cute outfits)

  • work
  • bars
  • clubs
  • apartments
  • rooftops
  • thrift stores
  • restaurants
  • museums
  • parks
  • shops
  • the subway
  • the movies
  • the dentist
  • the eye doctor
  • concert venues
  • music festivals
  • groceries
  • bookstores
  • galleries
  • airplanes
  • cars
  • outside
  • remote work offices
  • the.. library
  • laundromats
  • houses
  • porta potties
  • aquariums
  • protests
  • liquor stores
  • bodegas
  • church?

fear is the greatest human emotion, perhaps the only one.

fear is the greatest human emotion, perhaps the only one. even love is a sub-feeling, a by-product of fear. we love out of fear. no matter what fear, it doesn’t matter. fear of loneliness, mostly. fear of death. wanting to last in people’s memories.

not sure where this is from

To all the clothes I loved before..

I’m trying to be a lot more deliberate in my looks now that I kind of have nowhere to go. For hair.. I’ve had a pretty boring series of haircuts all my life; I’ve never ever dyed my hair, never done anything wild in styling it, and have never had an unusual cut. I cut my own hair now, which is an easy 2-minute buzz of my back and side hair and a 20-minute to an hour long haphazard job with my top and front hair which I hack at using a pair of scissors and a wild amount of self-doubt.

So, I’ve had some haircuts that I preferred. For a long time it was really long hair – so no haircut at all. More recently it’s been short hair.

into this- last last summer

Here’s me with messy short hair (and overall messy look) which I liked a lot at the time:

also from last last summer

I still like the messy short hair – it’s easy, and looks alright sometimes. Having looks look good by chance was my style philosophy for a while. Intentionally stylized looks could be fake, or forced. But they could be beautiful too.

full on

My lazy style meant throwing on all the clothes I loved, messy hair don’t care. Now I guess I’m thinking of paring back, wearing maybe just 3 colors at most lol. To all the clothes I loved before.. I’m still thinking of clothes I love as items that I can still love…just not all on myself 100% of the time.

Hair is still a WIP. I love my black hair, I don’t think I’d ever dye it. I also don’t like gel, so the best I could do is something wild with the buzz. Or I could start wearing wigs.. Khruangbin vibes?

with big sunnies 😎

convo

Sustainability

I love her ideas~ not to conjecture on a slippery slope, but I can’t help wondering if on-demand consumption will be able to replace mass products in retail stores. I see it as being widely adoptable, pending multiple needs: accessible prices at scale, a rethinking of seasonality, and the move toward week-to-week production based on machine learning projection models that Nonoo starts to explain at 18:00
The conversation around clothing our own avatars is so interesting given multiple 3-D model artists being employed by brands during virtual fashion week to model the weight and movement of new collections. I agree that this could be mainstream in the near future if this modeling is available for more and more brands. The idea of biotech-informed material clothing production is also exciting and reminds me of the material ecology work of architect Neri Oxman, especially when Nonoo talks about lab-grown leather and synthetic silk.

Aesthetic Activism

Elaine Scarry’s ideas on transformational beauty as the work of lessening pain and injustice felt illuminating initially, and then too obvious, a framework already capsizing. And then I took a look off my page and came back… I feel a bit Zen? A Koan.

  • Beauty emphasizes and empathizes the world; pain contracts the world and diminishes our ability to create and exist in the world
  • Beauty in the 21st Century has been over-used by advertising, thereby conditioning our responses to beauty with consumerism; when we see something beautiful we want to buy it
  • Beauty by way of Plato and Homer sees beauty as a way toward goodness and justice, ideals which are helpfully threaded by beauty – an ideal that exists and is able to be processed in the world of senses

Moving on to a brief point on queerness and utility

  • Scarry writes about the theory of value and beauty as being so subsumed by consumerism, while in history it’s been so much richer of a concept in terms of value outside usefulness and the commercial sense
  • Ocean Vuong brings this idea in parallel with queerness: “that’s the critique that we all get: That queerness is decorous, it’s not a utilitarian thing, and therefore has no value.” Source

I see my problem currently as a project of excavation. I need to exhume beauty from the muck of consumerism and restore in my mind some practice of enlivening that lasts (and is appropriately Zen). The sound of a single clapping hand.

I don’t believe in allyship. I want to believe in nonduality, and/or a process toward it.

august Afternoon

tabs in my browser

recommended by the band Sessa in this KEXP session: https://youtu.be/OIlLSQt0ymk
from this AirKhruang Tehran playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4ptR2WIhfpzzeOB-SMCiJGoN3ZhqVB2H

Oh, and Jack Dorsey’s archived blog entries:

http://valleywag.gawker.com/the-deleted-web-poetry-of-jack-dorsey-1445042335

beauty

i have no super powers but i skip reasonably well

i wanted to write the sky today and my wrists are holding me down.

kids are absent from structure, and play in the disorder while creating more

as soon as i record, you become false.